I'm busy planning Caitlin's birthday party this weekend. I can't believe she's going to be 5! She's getting so big. She wants a "Pink Sweets" party, so we'll have lots of little treats that are pink for the kids to snack on. The blessing of her birthday being close to valentine's day is it's so easy to get cutesy pink decorations.
Gabriel keeps asking for "num" (gum). I tell him he has to finish breakfast first and he says "okay" and still begs for "num".
About two weeks ago Caitlin shocked me by suddenly writing. She's refused to learn anything I've tried to teach her, going so far as to refusing to identify letters when I ask, even though I KNOW she can. And all of a sudden she came up and showed me how she had written her name on the Magnadoodle. Crazy kid.
I thought I had more to write about, but I guess not.
I haven't really been in the mood to write. The second part of last year was really hard for me and I kind of shut everyone out.
In August I found out my husband had been hiding money issues from me. He had taken out two credit cards and maxed them out. He had also taken the down payment for my van and instead of putting it all on the van used some of it for personal spending. I had been letting him take care of all of the finances because he said he liked it and it made him feel like a man. Well now I know why. When I asked to see a pay stub from him job he even went so far as to make a fake one to bring me. The only reason I found out was because I threatened to leave him if he didn't let me see the bank and credit card statements.
When I found out...It was probably the worst moment in my life. I felt so betrayed, it was like he had cheated on me. He had been lying to me for years, since we'd gotten married. I think if we didn't have these three kids I would have left without a second thought. I can't even put into words how I felt. I spent a week crying and trying to decided if I wanted to stay and try to fix our marriage. In the end I decided to keep trying. Everything was made transparent, Andy told me everything that had happened, where all the money went, and we got old bank statements so I could check up on him. To help pay back some of the bills he had racked up he got a second job at a grocery store for a while. He also told his family about what he had done. It was almost like an alcoholic going through a twelve step program.
I know a lot of people will think I'm crazy for staying but I love him. I know he loves me. He loves our kids. When I told him I was thinking about leaving it crushed him (not that I gave a damn at the time, I was pissed).
Things are better now. We're working on our marriage and I've forgiven him. I'm in charge of the finances. He got a new job that pays a lot more than he had been making, and all of our debt should be payed off by this summer.
I can't keep focusing on what happened or I'll never be happy. I've decided to let it go. I'm not forgetting what he did, but I can move on.
Anyway. In other news I've been homeschooling Sean so far and I can't handle it anymore. I need to be able to do things for me again or I'm going to go crazy. So the next school year Sean and Caitlin will be going to public school. Honestly I can't wait. I love my kids but I need to have a few minutes to breathe during the day. Gabriel will still be with me during the day and I'm really looking forward to being able to pay more attention to him one on one.
As soon as Gabriel goes to school (maybe even before I haven't decided yet) I want to go back to school. I really want to do make up for a living. I love it. I love the creativity and being to make someone feel better about themselves. I will probably go to cosmetology school and learn the whole shebang instead of just focusing on makeup so that I would have more job options.
So yeh, I'll try to do some more updates. I was in a really bad place but I'm doing better now. I'm happier with my life now than I have been in years, and oddly Andy and I are closer and better than we have been since we go married.
Anyway, what's going on lately. Tuesday is my birthday. Weeee. We're doing a big fat nothing to celebrate, which is pretty normal for adult birthdays around here. I'll be 28.
Sean is six, Caitlin is 4 and Gabriel will be 2 on the 23rd which is so crazy. Gabriel still doesn't want to talk in full sentences which freaks me out any time I think about it. He did say his first sentence yesterday "I love mama" and now won't say it again. He likes to torment me that one.
Sean is being homeschooled. The other day we were talking about how people have to save money to make big purchases, and I asked him if there was anything he wanted to save for. He told me yes, a thermal imager. He's such a funny kid. He's decided he wants to be Dr. Who for Halloween. It's just a shame that no one will know who he's supposed to be.
Caitlin is adorable. Her favorite colors are pink and purple and she loves flowers and butterflies and she is not afraid to tell that to everyone she meets. I killed a hornet in the house a few weeks ago and now she keeps talking about "the mean ol' warnet!"
Otherwise, nothing has been going on. We're worried about Andy's job, I'm late getting my garden planted, and I haven't gotten laid in a long ass time because our kids won't sleep like normal children.
I'm going to try to update more often. I have a ton of pictures I need to take off of the camera and upload. Hopefully I'll get to that soon.
Caitlin's birthday is next week. She want's a ladybug party. We're doing a brunch again because I can make all the food ahead of time and just bake it in the morning.
My brain is gone, thank god it's almost bedtime.
Today while making grilled cheese and tomato soup for myself for lunch I managed to turn on the wrong burner and burn the plastic spatula handle onto the stove, over heat the pan for the grilled cheese, and scald the soup. Then when I was getting water for myself the damn dog stole and ate my sandwich. I fail.
Also, it's Halloween and it's raining. We're supposed to go trick or treating for the first time tonight and I don't know if that will happen.
I've been avoiding writing anything. I've been reading and occasionally noting people, but I, I don't know, I guess I've been ignoring my life for the past year or so.
After Gabriel was born, or before really, I had problems with depression. His pregnancy was unplanned and I was unhappy about the idea of having another baby then so I didn't enjoy my pregnancy at all. I was miserable the whole time and I didn't bond with my unborn baby. This was the first pregnancy that I wasn't excited and happy about having another baby. I just couldn't wait for it to be over. After a difficult labor Gabriel was born, and although I loved him and wanted him to be happy and well I didn't feel as connected to him as I did with my other babies. With Sean and Caitlin there was an instant bond, everything revolved around them and I loved holding them and taking care of them. Gabriel spent the most time being set down somewhere so I could do something, anything else but take care of a baby. I didn't take many pictures, I didn't take much video of him, and the belly cast from when I was pregnant with him is the only one that wasn't finished within a month of the birth of my baby. I still haven't done anything with it.
I was miserable. I stopped doing things with my kids, I shut Andy out. I was angry and sad all the time, but I just internalized it. I stopped doing things for myself, and at the same time I resented everything I did for my kids and my husband. I would joke with my mom that there were days I wanted to run outside and set myself on fire, and although I would laugh about it, it wasn't that far off. I would imagine just running away and never coming back. I finally told Andy about it after Gabriel turned a year old, and recognizing it and talking about it have helped some.
I'm doing much better now. I realize I'm prone to depression and I've been dealing with it since I was fourteen. I've stopped trying to break my hands or cutting myself when I'm depressed, but now I sit on it. Andy thinks I need to see a therapist. I don't know, I worry they would just try to medicate me. I think I can stay on top of it as long as I work at it. I should probably journal more about this mess so I at least get it out instead of keeping it in so it can eat at me.
It's funny, if you looked around at my house and my life you would never know it but I'm a perfectionist. It drives me crazy to not be able to have absolute control and make everything perfect. I hate that my house is messy with kid stuff and that every time I try to clean up Gabriel walks behind me throwing everything back down. I become obsessive about things, and I never think I'm good enough. I'm not a good enough mom, not a good enough wife, I can't keep the house clean, dinner isn't made by six every night, my yard is a mess with weeds overgrowing the flowerbeds. I hate it. I obsess over my weight and feel fat and ugly. I recognize that I'm not heavy enough to be commonly termed as "fat", being 5'7 and weighing 133 lbs, but I feel fat. I hate it. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. I don't want Andy to look at me. I watch tv and I compare myself to every woman on the screen. I tell Andy about it and he tells me I'm being silly, that it doesn't make sense. Maybe I do need therapy.
Anyway. I am doing better. We go out and do things now. I catch myself avoiding doing things with my kids and I put more effort in. I've started taking time for me by going running a few times a week. I spend more of my time happy than not. I wish I could go get a part time job to help out financially but I have now skills, no degree, and no one to watch my kids while I work. Sean will be starting homeschool this year, so it's going to be a while before I can go to work and feel useful.
This entry is all over the place, but that's what's been going on in my head for the last year. I'll try to journal more often now.
We made it through Halloween. I was working on Gabriel's costume up until about an hour before we had to leave the house, but we made it. Sean dressed up as a Native American, Caitlin was a fairy and Gabriel was a bumblebee. I didn't get any pictures of Gabriel dressed up because we were in such a hurry, but he'll be easy to dress up again and get some pictures.
We went to Andy's mother's church (we live out in the middle of nowhere so trick or treating would be impossible) where they had a church carnival for the kids. There were lots of games and probably ten different inflatables for the kids to play on. Caitlin and Sean liked the giant slide the best, but the games were a big hit for Sean too. Thankfully this isn't a church that does Trunk or Treat, which I think is one of the dumbest things ever thought up and completely ruins Halloween.
Gabriel is five months old and is so desperate to crawl. He can't sit up yet, but it won't be long before he figures out how to really crawl. He already pulls himself around, does funny push-ups and can move his knees resulting in him falling flat on his nose.
I'm going through the mass hair loss that happens after pregnancy. I HATE this period. There is hair everywhere and all over me. It doesn't help that I haven't had my hair cut in about a year so it's pretty long now. I want a hair cut. I don't know when it happened but I've turned into "that mom". I never wear make up or even look in the mirror before I walk out the door. I have one pair of jeans and maybe five t-shirts that I wear when I'm out and my hair is in a constant ponytail. Last night I looked in the mirror while brushing my teeth and saw the beginnings of a wrinkle across my forehead. I'm 26, what the fuck is going on that I'm starting to get wrinkles?! It's fucking depressing. I got into a funk last night because I miss getting to be a girl instead of just a mom. I miss being able to take baths, paint my nails and do my hair. I miss being able to drink a glass of wine without a baby trying to kick it out of my hand or drink it themselves. Andy keeps telling me it will get better and I know it will, but it kind of rubs me the wrong way when he tells me that. I love him, and I know that he is tired and stressed too, but he goes out with his friends twice a month while I take care of the kids. He stays up after I go to bed with Gabriel and the kids are asleep and can watch tv or get online in peace. I can't go out, we tried one night and I had to come home because Gabriel won't take a bottle.
Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be as depressing as it turned out to be so I'm going to stop now before it gets worse.
- Gabriel has two teeth!
- Sean is five years old!
- The weather is perfect so we've been going places on the weekends. Last weekend we went apple picking.
- Caitlin is going through her terrible twos in waves. We're in a bad wave right now.
- After five months of trying to lose weight by eating sensibly exercising I'm going to
try Atkins because I haven't lost a single pound or inch. Wish me luck.
- Gabriel is desperately trying to crawl and can get on his hands and knees. Crazy.
- I still try to keep up with everyone, but I seriously have no time anymore. Now I have
to go clean the house.